Relapse

I had a relapse.  I’m also behind the curve in owning up to it as I’ve been feeling ashamed, embarrassed, and somewhat guilty.

Over Christmas, I had a lot of time stuck in the house feeling bored.  I spent a lot of time with family and Jane as well, but without anything to really focus on project wise (work was quiet, the weather was crappy, and it was Christmas so I’m not supposed to be DOING stuff (last one’s a bit weird, I know, but it is how I felt – odd, eh?)) I was starting to lose motivation for just about everything and simply feel bored. Too much TV, internet, movies etc etc (thankfully I’m not much of a gamer) took it’s toll and when Jane headed off for a nap I found myself at a loss.  I was bored / lonely and I let myself be tempted.

I started looking at tattoo sites on Facebook initially – nothing too guilty there, but moving from Facebook to actual tattoo sites exposed me to links leading to links leading to…. oh … hmmm… well, it IS Christmas, maybe just the once.  So I clicked, I saw, I came…. and I felt like shit.   I’d let myself down, I’d let my girlfriend down, I’d let you lot down, and I’m sorry 😦

It took me two days to tell Jane. The weird thing was that when I did, all of a sudden I felt better. The cloud lifted and all of a sudden I wasn’t keeping my secret anymore. I also felt horny as hell for her, which didn’t go down quite so well as she was feeling hurt.

Let me state this, for the record, my girlfriend is awesome. She was feeling hurt, she wasn’t entirely sure why but I know I’d let her down and I had been doing really well. I didn’t get snapped at, accused of anything, ignored or argued with, we just talked, and that is very, very cool.  I don’t know why I did it, she didn’t know why she felt hurt. Both of us know it’s probably not a realistic expectation that porn and masturbation is excluded completely and forever, and we’re both rational, sensible adults (at least I think we are).

I had a counselling session on Monday and I spoke to Fay about it as well. I was very blasé about the whole thing, and she asked me why. The thing is, at that point it was done, and Jane and I had spoken a LOT about things so I was just repeating the information so fay had the full picture (not the FULL, full picture, but … aaah, you know what I mean). Oddly, a few moments after when I was asked how Jane had reacted, I broke down and became tearful. (I hate being tearful, and it happens more often than I like to admit – dunno why, I just lose control of my eye waterfalls and the emotion comes tumbling out – sometimes happy, sometimes upset – anger or extreme focus (i.e. I MUST get this done) are about the only things that override it.)

 

Anyways, one step back, two steps forward as they say. Fall of the horse and get straight back on etc.   I haven’t been back, and am successfully resisting temptation once more.

 

NB – I’m also giving up smoking and am now 2 days free. That’s pretty cool but it’s making my head hurt. Jane’s stopping as well and we’re both a little tetchy at the moment 😦

2 weeks free

Tonight marks 2 weeks porn free. 

It’s an interesting thought and not one that I’ve ever really considered having. 2 weeks free of cigarettes. 2 weeks free of alcohol, chocolate, coffee, any number of ‘things’, but not porn. It’s an abstract. It’s something viewed, not taken inside a body, not used or experienced in a physical way.  There are physical aspects, of course, masturbation and orgasm, although that seems largely like a bodily function rather than something to crave, to want and to hate at the same time. It’s a very strange thing to feel a craving for something that is not real, but a fantasy existing only in the mind, in the abstract.

These two weeks have been an emotional time. My epiphany came not from my strong will and altruistic desire to be free of porn, but from my complete moral failure and by the love, care, support and trust shown to me by my partner. In a way I think this has made abstaining from my habit much easier. I have had cravings, and these are hard to understand. My rational brain tells me that I don’t need it, I don’t want it, that it would be potentially harmful to me, my relationships and people I care about. I can feel something inside of me trying to drive me to betray my morals and break my promises. It makes me feel itchy. Agitated would probably be more correct. My heart rate sometimes increases and I feel an adrenaline surge.  It’s difficult even typing these words; in a way, it makes me feel similar. Writing is helpful though. It fills some of the time that I might otherwise be becoming bored with and tempted to seek thrills on line. Right now, Jane is sitting next to me on the sofa and that’s a huge deal to me.  I’m trying to replace something wrong with something that could be very right. I know I can’t change what has been, but I want to ensure that negative behaviour patterns are never repeated. 

Yesterday I was at a work event that was hosted at a location very close to my home. I was supposed to be staying at the hotel the event was at.  I deliberately left early and came home rather than stay so I could be with the person I loved. Jane was already in bed when I got in, so we simply got to hug, lie with each other and sleep soundly together. I slept with a smile on my face even so and was happy to be with her. 

The next two weeks and beyond are expected to be more difficult. The traumatic event that prompted my promises is fading faster than I ever thought possible and life is approaching something that might be viewed as ‘normal’. It’s not, and won’t be until both of us have come to terms with my addiction and my infidelity, but we have to at least be approaching life with a degree of normality, and that makes things feel more normal.  

Beyond the immediate future I am setting no time goal. No 30/60/90 days free as a target.  Milestones they will be, but if I stop and return to bad habits they will hold no meaning. My objective is to be porn free, and not to be porn free for 90 days. That just seems like cheating. An achievable goal that evaporates  once reached. My goal is one that will always be real. To be porn free. 

I am not yet ‘not a porn addict’. That will take a very long time at the very least. It may be something I will never be able to say. I may always have to admit I am a porn addict, and every part of me hopes that I can at the very least always say ‘I am a recovering porn addict’.  

 

NB. Sorry for the disjointed nature of this post.  I’m tired and can’t summon as much of my inner wordsmith as I’d like.