2 weeks free

Tonight marks 2 weeks porn free. 

It’s an interesting thought and not one that I’ve ever really considered having. 2 weeks free of cigarettes. 2 weeks free of alcohol, chocolate, coffee, any number of ‘things’, but not porn. It’s an abstract. It’s something viewed, not taken inside a body, not used or experienced in a physical way.  There are physical aspects, of course, masturbation and orgasm, although that seems largely like a bodily function rather than something to crave, to want and to hate at the same time. It’s a very strange thing to feel a craving for something that is not real, but a fantasy existing only in the mind, in the abstract.

These two weeks have been an emotional time. My epiphany came not from my strong will and altruistic desire to be free of porn, but from my complete moral failure and by the love, care, support and trust shown to me by my partner. In a way I think this has made abstaining from my habit much easier. I have had cravings, and these are hard to understand. My rational brain tells me that I don’t need it, I don’t want it, that it would be potentially harmful to me, my relationships and people I care about. I can feel something inside of me trying to drive me to betray my morals and break my promises. It makes me feel itchy. Agitated would probably be more correct. My heart rate sometimes increases and I feel an adrenaline surge.  It’s difficult even typing these words; in a way, it makes me feel similar. Writing is helpful though. It fills some of the time that I might otherwise be becoming bored with and tempted to seek thrills on line. Right now, Jane is sitting next to me on the sofa and that’s a huge deal to me.  I’m trying to replace something wrong with something that could be very right. I know I can’t change what has been, but I want to ensure that negative behaviour patterns are never repeated. 

Yesterday I was at a work event that was hosted at a location very close to my home. I was supposed to be staying at the hotel the event was at.  I deliberately left early and came home rather than stay so I could be with the person I loved. Jane was already in bed when I got in, so we simply got to hug, lie with each other and sleep soundly together. I slept with a smile on my face even so and was happy to be with her. 

The next two weeks and beyond are expected to be more difficult. The traumatic event that prompted my promises is fading faster than I ever thought possible and life is approaching something that might be viewed as ‘normal’. It’s not, and won’t be until both of us have come to terms with my addiction and my infidelity, but we have to at least be approaching life with a degree of normality, and that makes things feel more normal.  

Beyond the immediate future I am setting no time goal. No 30/60/90 days free as a target.  Milestones they will be, but if I stop and return to bad habits they will hold no meaning. My objective is to be porn free, and not to be porn free for 90 days. That just seems like cheating. An achievable goal that evaporates  once reached. My goal is one that will always be real. To be porn free. 

I am not yet ‘not a porn addict’. That will take a very long time at the very least. It may be something I will never be able to say. I may always have to admit I am a porn addict, and every part of me hopes that I can at the very least always say ‘I am a recovering porn addict’.  

 

NB. Sorry for the disjointed nature of this post.  I’m tired and can’t summon as much of my inner wordsmith as I’d like.